Heavy Heart

At Omaha zoo, the kids gather together.

Oh, what silly litte ones all dressed as pioneers at the visitors center in Omaha.

 

I have wanted to update my blog for awhile now but haven't been able to  take the time to do so. I think I am officially tired of looking at Halloween pictures when it's now Christmas.

I just needed to update it with some pictures of my cuties. I am so incredibly grateful that I have them all. That they are all safe with me in our home. So grateful that I get another day with them to be their mother. And yet at the same time so guilty because I do get another day with them, get to spend Christmas with them and still be happy together.

 

I have such a heavy heart right now because of the Connecticut elementary shooting. I have shed many, many tears as I know many of you have. Ever since I learned of this I have had the worst pit in my stomach. I can't get over the senseless act of violence that took place at such an Innocent location with helpless children and school staff. I can't even fathom the fear that was in their hearts that morning. I have no doubt that they have received exaltation and that they are happy and safe now. But the fear! The violence! I can't understand it nor will I ever. Colton woke up this morning crying cause he couldn't find Danny or I. Danny was hunting and I was on the couch. I was scared! But I was there to grab him, hug him and take him back to my bed and cuddle with him. Then I felt guilty that I got that moment to comfort them and those parents didn't get to do that for their child. And those poor kids had to be scared and can only imagine them desiring their parents more than they ever had.  I feel so much empathy for those parents that now have to bury a child. I know that pain of burying a child to never see them again on this earthly life.  I think of the children that went to school together with their sibling and had to leave school without them.

 

It hits me straight to the heart. I have a first grader! The age of this class! And let me just emphasize that it doesn't matter what age and grade these children were, it simply doesn't matter because it was senseless and pure evil. I can picture Nate's 3rd grade class, Josh's 1st grade class, even Colton's preschool; I can see each of their desks in my mind. I can pull up images of the children I have met in their classrooms, each of their teachers. The public school system isn't perfect but it didn't deserve this violent act. And through the years, we have had several teachers, and they have all been great and I know they would protect my children like those other teachers did. So, I think of how it could have been my kids, their teachers, their friends. And though it didn't happen to us, it happened to someone else. Someone else is grieving. Someone else is planning a funeral. Someone else is crying. Someone else is going to have a Christmas with out their child or loved one. Someone else may have to deal with seeing the presents under the tree or get a package from amazon for their lost one. Every aspect of their life has altered drastically and my heart hurts for them. And it makes me feel guilty that although I hurt today, my pain will lessen with each day but someone else is suffering beyond comprehension for a lifetime.

 

Last night in the hall, I came across Josh's kindergarten class picture and I just looked at their faces and counted 20 kids and just thought, they would've been wiped out. It's so heartbreaking what happened! I can't even wrap my mind around it. I know I need to tell them about it but I don't know what to say. I don't want to scare them senseless and make them live in fear. (Nate is scared senseless of tornado warnings let alone a shooting at school) So, how am I suppose to talk to them about this when it will just cause so much fear and anxiety over something that can't be prepared for. Cause that's how I'm feeling right now. At the theater last night, we went and saw Shrek the musical. And I was so filled with anxiety looking for the exits, Danny had mentally counted the children. We were both filled with fear. We aren't safe anywhere. I am struggling beyond anything with this latest shooting. I have avoided the news, the radio stations, yahoo, anything. I can't handle reading any of it. I can't read about details because it hurts too much.

 So, I felt by writing it might help me. This may be one big jumbled mess of a post but I was writing from my heart. So if it doesn't flow well or make sense, well it's just me rambling on with overwhelming feelings. 

And at the end of the day yesterday I was so grateful that my kids were alive and were able to walk off the bus together. I got the chance to give them a tight hug and tell them that I love them. I have tried to be more grateful for each moment I have with them. Even grateful to be cleaning up Colton and Audrey's throw up.  Because even stinky throw up means that they are alive! And I love all 4 of my little beings!

Halloween 2012

Nathan is the glow in the dark skeleton

Pirate Josh

Spiderman Colton

Little Red Riding Hood aka Audrey

Excited for a night of fun

Convict Dan

Prison Warden Jen

 

Beating up the bad prisoner.

 

 We had a great ward trunk or treat. We were one of the few that dressed up but we had a lot of fun. Hope you all have a fun Halloween!

 

Back to School (only a month late)

I know, I know! I am super slow in getting around to posting my kids' pictures of starting school. If you could see our Sept calender, you'd see that it's FULL of events! We have had a busy month. The kids started school back in Aug. they are loving their teachers and classes. They also began soccer on Tues and Thurs. They also participate in a "running club" at school which is on Tues and Thurs before school. I thought it'd be chaos to do this program, truth be told I didn't want to have them do it, but they wanted to. So, I obliged since running is healthy and I want them to develop healthy habits and they enjoy going. Danny just ended a semester of school that had a class on Monday nights but will soon begin class again this time on Thursdays. We also have Cub scouts on Wed. Colton has preschool on Tues and Thurs that I take him and pick him up. He goes 9-3, it's a long day but it's good prep for all day kindergarten. We've had a ward over nighter, Father and Son camp out, Time out for Women conference AND mixed in there is hair appointments. Our life has been one busy ball of fire. I am ready for October to come so we aren't so crazy. So, yes it's been a while since I posted but it's because I haven't had much down time to do it. (plus I have to share the computer with 3 kids and a husband)

Nate is now a big 3rd grader. He's teacher is Mrs. Fogel.

 

Josh is a 1st grader. His teacher this year is Mrs. Camacho

My 2 big boys all ready to head to school. I'm a mean mom and send them to school on the bus. I do not go to their school and walk them to class. (That's why we have meet the teacher night) 

Everyone wanted a picture together before Nate and Josh left for the day.

Just the boys because I think Audrey was still inside eating breakfast

Colton's first day of school. He did NOT want his picture taken. He started school a few weeks later than his brothers.

When did this kid get big even to go to school?

Colton is tolerating his mom getting another picture. He is in front of his "blue dolphin" room

His teacher, Mrs Ford is helping him put his bag away. I keep telling him that I don't want him to grow anymore, he needs to stop! And he tells me he won't cause he has to be big to go to school with his brothers. He is loving school-I mean loving it and I'm so glad, but I miss this little guy during the day.

 

What we're up too lately

So this is a few pictures of what we have been up to lately. The only thing missing is a picture of us on the internet shopping for school clothes and "lumberjack plaid" clothing or of us shopping for school supplies and soccer supplies. Ugh, it's been a lot to get 3 boys ready for school and 4 kids ready with fall/winter clothing. But this is some of what we are up to since returning home from Utah 1 1/2 weeks ago. We just jumped right back into life. Oh, and pictures of our vacay will be added later.

 Melissa and I canned some strawberry jam for the very first time. We managed to get 28 jars filled. It was rather easy and now that I've done it, I will be doing it again.

 I was able to play with Audrey's hair and put it in 2 braids. It would have been slightly easier if she didn't fight me to have her hair done. Sofie was a much easier patient client to work on-she needs to learn from her cousin.

 Oh, the mess I made! We made the decision to have Colton and Nathan switch rooms. So that meant we had to re-arrange closets and dressers. And since I was doing that I also wanted to get rid of a few things. (3 garbage bags worth of clothing) Thus sometimes you have to make a bigger mess before you can really get things cleaner.

 We switch because Nate's a talker and doesn't go to bed easily but Colton and Josh will go to sleep as soon as they are tired. Nate had a tendency to keep Josh up. Also, Josh and Colton are practically the same size so it's a bonus to have them sharing closet space. They have a much larger selection of clothing now. And right now, it's seems to have created less chaos on clutter in each of their rooms. I didn't get rid of anything but clothes but somehow things are more organized and it seems there is less "stuff". I don't like "stuff"

 So the other day, Nate created this little nest. I thought it was rather ingenious of him. And although it took up most of the room, there wasn't much else on the ground, so I let him keep it there all day. Well then later it seemed to get bigger and bigger. It just kept growing. Below is what it finally ended up as.

 And this is with all 4 kids in the nest. It had some good depth to it. But he had all our blankets and pillows from our beds. So, mom made him put it all away when he went to bed. He did end up sitting in that nest for a good part of the day. 

Lastly, this is of a very happy girl "swimming" in the bathtub. She remained in this position for a good 30 minutes of her bath time. She's a silly girl but I love that smile!



Our Joshy has hit a milestone in his life: he lost his first tooth! Yay!!! He was pretty dang excited to come out and show us all (it was bedtime when it happened) And there in his hand is the tiniest little tooth.

I don't know about his crunched up face but look at that adorable little toothless grin. He was super psyched to get his first toothfairy money. Honestly I think he felt cool having lost a tooth. And truthfully it is a rite of passage in growing up that you have to loose those "baby" teeth to grow up.  He's a spunky little boy!

And this is a picture that perfectly depicts this girl. She found every one of those items and put them on herself. As well as writing all over her legs-that's actually minimal damage to what she does to our walls every single day. I wash things up to discover a whole new drawing on a door or wall. She is full of attitude.

This would describe our Colton perfectly! First thing this morning he woke up and made his bed-literally this was the first thing he did! He likes order and cleanliness. He is a great example to his brothers on how to pick up after themselves. In fact, I will occasionally put him in charge of the cleaning and let him tell his brothers what needs to be cleaned.  

And this is what you can find Nate doing pretty dang regularly. If it's not this then it's on the computer. But he does love to read. He has read the Diary of a wimpy kid books so many times that I don't have a number to how many times he's read them. He is an avid reader and loves to read books that teaches him things as well.

Update...long

So, I figure I should probably do a little update on the family. And I'll add a few pics in there as well. Most recently I just returned from Young Women's camp. It began on Monday Memorial Day for the older girls. I took 2 of them to camp that morning and set my tent up that I'd be sleeping in. Then I took the remainder of the girls up on Tuesday and stayed until Friday. They do girls camp a little differently out here than what I was used to. They go as a stake and then camp as levels. At first I was not thrilled about this but then I changed my tune when it was explained to me that this is one of the few times girls get to be with so many girls that are their same age and members of the church. So, that meant that I would not be camping with my ward. Rather they call a person to be a "level specialist" then there are at least 3 other camp directors working with them. I was assigned to be with the 2nd years. I absolutely loved these women I worked with and the girls we had. I had a fabulous time. I was utterly exhausted but it was so worth it. I so want to be there next year. In fact all of us leaders in 2nd level want to work together again cause we had so much fun.

So that left Danny at home with the kids for the week. I think he managed just fine. I didn't leave him any food in the house so he had to do some grocery shopping with all 4 kids in tow. He had his truck in the shop the weekend before I left but they did not have it done when I left. He gave the kids the choice of calling a cab to take them to the repair shop or using that cab money to get McDonald's if they would walk up the street to the shop. They chose McDonald's. We clocked it before we left and it was a 2.1 mile walk-up hill. It seriously is up hill the whole time. But they walked it to get the truck just so they could go to McDonald's. He took them to Worlds of Fun one day. Stayed up late watching movies. Hot tub every night. Who knows what else they did. Danny did say that he never once unloaded the dishwasher-the kids did that. He made them pick up their rooms, clean the family room upstairs and downstairs each night. And yet they maintain that mommy makes them work more. And to that I say they are full of crap. They don't do squat compared to what their father had them do. They survived though. I'd have to say that Colton was by far the one that missed me the most. He was so happy to have me back.

Audrey fell asleep in the shower. She was so tired. Sundays really throw things off for her because church is during nap time.

Audrey and mommy all dressed up for church. I thought it'd be kind of funny to dress alike. We both just ironically had this stuff in our closets. I know a few people laughed at us in church. I think it was more noticeable since I was helping sub in nursery.

This is what we did for the boys' last day of school. I saw the banner idea from pinterest so I adapted it to fit our needs. I wanted them to feel proud that they'd just finished another year of school And get excited for their summer vacation. They got out of school on Friday, May 24, 2012. I know that the kids on the bus were watching the boys run through the banner. In fact I think the bus driver didn't move forward until they had run through the sign. They both ran at the same time but unfortunately I didn't get that shot because I had to help Colton hold the sign. The white sheets are 2 stick figures of the boys that Colton drew for them. Then they had to run through the sprinkler, Drop some marbles down the marble run (pool noodle) and finally be rewarded with a otter pop. I know they loved this special surprise. Then we took them to Worlds of Fun for a few hours. It was a good start to summer vacation for them. Nate was especially very good about thanking us all day long for the stuff we did for them. Josh was quick to copy his brother's gracious attitude.

Our special banner. Colton and Audrey helped color.

Josh was super excited about the sprinkler. He wanted his swimsuit on first but I had to reassure him that it was ok to go through in those clothes.

Nate is getting ready to drop a marble down our marble run. Another awesome idea from pinterest.

This is a catfish that Danny is holding. His brothers were kind of mean to Colton that morning before they went to school. So, Danny got home early and took him fishing all by himself. He had so much fun. They brought the fish home so that they could get a picture of it and rub it in their brothers face that he went fishing. After I got the shot, they took it back to the lake and let it go. They went to the lake down the street from Penguin Park.

I had to add in a picture of my car cake I made Colton. He had to touch it for the picture for some unknown reason. It was going to be red. I bought strawberry frosting thinking that would help be a good starting point in getting to red. Well, I just could not get it to a true red. I began frosting it and it was just too close to pink than red. I couldn't do that to my boy. So, off to the store we ran for more frosting. And that's when I went with orange to cover up the pink. Yellow would have been better but it wouldn't have covered the pink. He loved the car just not the orange color.

Outside view

 Ugh, this is what your car looks like when it is broken into. Little did we know this was just the beginning of a string of money dings to our bank account. Right now we are in the saying of: "when it rains, it pours!" A few weeks ago, the 2 kids did not want to go to the gym but I wanted to work out. So, I convinced them to let me walk around the trail and we would go to penguin park. I parked down by the lake so that we could walk the majority of the trail, hit the park and play then finish the walk by going back to the car. And that's exactly what we did. I loaded up the stroller while they were  by the front of the car looking at the water. I walk up to them and notice an open window and freak out cause I had my purse down on the passenger floor and didn't realize I left it down. Immediately I was made aware that it wasn't down but rather broken. And of course my purse was long gone. I was freaking out. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. There were so many people out there fishing and walking the trail. It was a very busy morning full of people. There were 2 women in front of the suburban so I asked if they had seen or heard anything. Of course they said no. I called the police. Filed a report. Called Danny and he began canceling everything. They did manage to charge $48 at a gas station but that was all on the credit cards. They crappier thing was that we had just begun that month doing a cash envelop of money for our groceries. So, we had close to $200 dollars left in there and they got off with that. We never have that much money on us and the first month we try to be a lot better we get punched in the gut. It's just been a hassle trying to get everything changed or canceled and what not. We did have our world's of fun tickets in there. And to replace those, they wanted to charge us $75 total (15 each). But I emailed them and asked for some leniency and consideration. They agreed as long as I took a copy of the police report and for that it cost us $11. Which I thought was high. I had also just purchased a weight watcher calculator and they got away with that. My purse was a nice expensive one that Danny bought me for Christmas and I really liked it. It just really stinks that we worked hard for that money and they come and take it from you and cause destruction because of their selfishness and wickedness. It's made me realize how much I had kept in my wallet and how many rewards cards I had in there and have to get replaced whenever I go to that store. Needless to say that it's been a nuisance and frustration.

inside view

Lots and lots of hours have been spent in the sandbox. They have really enjoyed it this summer. I have begun my love/hate relationship with the sand.

Well, that's what we've been up to lately. Danny and Nate will be going to cub scout day camp next week. I'm looking forward to going to Nauvoo with my family and then spending some time up there. I am trying to potty train Audrey. She loves underwear, but occasionally forgets to pee in a toilet and not where ever she happens to be at the moments. I have not been enjoying cleaning that up so I may wait a little longer on her. We are going to try and get our money's worth out of our season passes. We just went to Oceans of Fun and I loved that. We will be going there frequently during these hot summer days. Now that camp is over with for me, I plan on enjoying my summer with the kids and doing some fun things with them.

Happy 4th Birthday Colton

My little bear is 4 today! I love this little guy so much! I have really enjoyed having him around with me. I'm going to miss him when he starts preschool next year. I'm not sure what I'll do with out him. He's such a big motivator to get things clean. Audrey likes to sing "The wheels on the bus," so after we've sang the usual lyrics we add our own. We have something for each of our family that we say. Colton's goes like this: Colton on the bus says we need clean this up, we need clean this up, we need clean this up. He has a really awesome cleaning gene in him (at least for now). He is always helping me clean up and make dinner. In fact one afternoon I had just laid Audrey down to nap and came out and asked him what he wanted to do with mommy. His reply: "Let's clean up." No joke. I asked about playing play dough, puzzles, going outside and he wanted nothing of that but to clean. So, we preceded to clean up the family room. Colton is a huge tease. He loves to play tricks on all of us.And most of the time he cracks himself up so that makes us laugh. And speaking of laugh he has the loudest laugh of our family. He is so dramatic in his laugh. He loves to hang out with his brothers. He can wrestle them down to the ground. He loves his sister but most of the day he is busy tormenting her. I call them frenemies because they love to bug each other ALL DAY LONG. Colton is also very good at sports. Somehow he has a natural ability to throw a ball really good and far. He was playing soccer with his brothers and was dribbling the ball and keeping it away from Nate. He can throw a football through holes in a tarp and make like most of them. Colton is such a silly little boy. We love having him in our family!

Here are some random pictures of Colton over the years but I thought they tended to showcase his personality.

Our family right after Colton joined the world. We were so thrilled to welcome him to our family. We also loved having the bragging rights to having the biggest baby of our families thus far! 9lb 10oz

He is the baby brother but look at those cheeks. I think he only was 2 months old in this shot. He started big and kept getting bigger.

Look at these thighs! I loved this chunky little man! And also being the 3rd child, he had to learn to sleep anywhere and still can. He loves to sleep downstairs by himself. I don't know why he even has a bed upstairs because the kids sleeps on the couch at least 5 nights a week.

Although the kid has cleaning tendencies that I occasionally worry about. He does know how to get dirty. He's caked in wet sand! We had a big rain storm and the boys had a blast playing in the dirt.

I came across this photo and thought how ironic that around 1 he is out helping me wash the car. He truly is a great cleaner. If I actually want the table cleaned and washed all off I ask him. He sprays it down with simple green first then washes it with a wash cloth. And every inch of that table is clean. I had one of his brother's do it and let's just say that it was not all clean.

I liked this shot of him because I usually get some kind of funky smiley face from him when I ask him to smile.

If I do make some cookies, that kid will help. But he will constantly be sneaking bites of cookie dough in his mouth. He thought he was being sneaky and getting a bite without being caught. And he really is very quiet about it all. He'll take a bite, chew it and casually come back to the family room saying something like, "I not eating anything."

Now this is a face I get rather frequently. Seriously, I see this all the time from him. It's part of his leave me alone, don't talk to me faces.

Again, him and his brother out in the sandbox getting dirty. Again, showing he can get dirty. They are both shirtless, in fact these 2 would actually run around in underwear all day, everyday if they could.

Proof again, that he likes to clean. He washed the screen door. Just the other day, I was doing laundry and he came and asked if he could clean the boys' bathroom. So, I got him the Clorox wipes and let him clean the sink. He spent a good 30 minutes just wiping that sink down from top to bottom. Then he help me clean their toilet. We had started with a mostly full container of wipes but he went through all of them. Like I said, he's very detailed and meticulous.

Colton and his cousin Sofie. He loves to play with his cousins. He likes to play with friends. He loves having people come to our house. Everyday I hear, "is someone coming over here today or are we going somewhere today?"

Here he is mowing the lawn with his dad. He was out there following him all night long. I called him in for dinner and he wouldn't come because they weren't done mowing. I think he truly thought he was mowing the grass. And he never did come in until Danny was done.

I figure a true clean freak would not be able to hold a caterpillar and enjoy them self. Colton is the first boy to actually pick one up and not freak out. Because of him doing it, his brothers finally held a caterpillar for the first time. He also was the first one to pick up the little minnows when we go fishing. He started trying to grab one in the bucket so then all the boys followed his example.

This is my newest tradition for birthdays. I put crepe paper up and they have to burst through their door on their birthday morning.

And this is what I had watching me while I did the taping. He was so obviously tired. But he insisted on being up and watching me do it to his door. And then to top it off, the next morning he crawled under the paper and wouldn't run through it. He just wanted to pull it down. The little stinker wouldn't do it, he just pulled it down.

Anyways, that my Colton boy! We love him. He brings such a fun spirit to our home. He is a big time momma's boy! Happy Birthday my big blue eyed baby boy! We love you!