Jan 27, 2012 Question

Today's question was pulled by Colton.

Do you remember any special feelings you had as a child? (fears, fantasies, spiritual experiences, etc.)

      Hmm, this seemed like a loaded question to me. There are so many different paths I could go down. I guess first thing that comes to mind is experiences that my children have not been able to experience at this time. We live on a street but I grew up in a neighborhood. And the majority of that neighborhood was LDS. It was a neighborhood filled with young families. As a child we were able to spend time playing with kids all the time. I remember spending hours in our sandbox and swing set with other kids. Our swing set was well used and loved. I remember spending hours riding my bike around the neighborhood and feeling completely safe even when it was dark outside. I could walk around the neighborhood and name most of families that lived there. I honestly can't even put a number on the number of kids that were in my grade level.

     I do know that there had to be at least a dozen girls that were my exact age that I went to church with. I can think back to growing up in the Syracuse 8th ward and being close to my young women friends. I've lost touch with many of them now, but fortunately I still keep in touch with one friend and visit when we go to Utah. I can remember that for me and many others, we loved spending time doing things with each other at young women's activities. And going camping we loved going camping as a ward and didn't like going as a stake, on the rare instances that we were split up, we very much despised that.

     Another experience that I grew up with was living very close to all my relatives. With the exception of 2 Uncles. But I loved spending my weekends with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I recall, we had many sleep-overs at both sets of grandparents. Me and my brothers would always ask to sleep over. We spent many nights sleeping in my grandpa's camper and hearing train whistles go by all night. Or at my other grandma's house waiting in anticipation for the next day to come so we could spend all day in the pool. And we did-and much credit goes to grandma for sitting next to that pool for hours on end. We had countless BBQ's  Sunday dinners, and holiday dinners at their houses.

     I had a really great childhood. It was filled with lots of family, friends and church members. I had (have)  really great parents that provided many wonderful experiences for my as a child. This is just how I'm able to summarize my memories of my childhood.  Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that my children are really OK even though they are not experiences that same kind of childhood I had. For me their childhood is completely opposite of mine.  I lived in a neighborhood, they live on a street with no kids around. I had many, many friends my age in my ward; they have a small group of kids their ages in the ward. I lived by all my family, they live by no family. Thus since it's on the opposite spectrum of my "great" childhood, their childhood has to be "bad." That's how my thinking is, so it's a battle I fight to correct that thinking. We provide well for them. They do have friends. They enjoy their church classes. They love their visits to Utah and they love having visitors come here. They get so excited to get a package from their grandma and grandpa. In the end, they'll never experience what I did, but that doesn't mean that they won't turn out "normal." I hope: ) 

Jan. 24th 2012

     To continue with my better blogging resolution I have a jar of questions that is meant to help with journaling. It's just various questions to help you think of things to write down in your journal. Well, honestly, I'm really not going to write in my journal but I will blog. So, today I had Aurey pull out my first question.

What is the best thing that has happened to you so far? The worst?

     Well, I'm going to start with the worst because their are so many good things to decide upon. The very worst thing that happened to me was hands down, loosing my little Lidia. That was the worst day of my life to find out that she was gone-not going to be with us. I can still vividly remember the day I discovered she hadn't moved. It was a Sunday. We lived in California. We taught 5/6 year olds in primary. I was huge!!! But I no longer felt pregnant as strange as that sounds. But I recall getting home and starving for dinner. But we couldn't cook our food because we had no power because of rolling black outs in California. I remember not wanting to tell Danny that I hadn't felt her. I tried eating and drinking and moving around and nothing. I remember trying to find her heart beat with a heart doppler and being unsuccessful. I remember we went to bed praying harder than we had ever prayed in our lives. Danny asked to be woken up no matter what time it was. I remember the solemn ride over to the hospital to be checked out. I recall the nurse telling us not to worry, that she'd look and find our baby safe and sound. I recall her trying with the heart doppler, then the ultrasound machine, then turning the volume up more and more. I can remember her going over the heart and seeing her 4 chambers, silent and still. I can recall how the nurses demeanor went from happy to somber and concerned. She told us not to worry and she'd get a doctor in to help her. I remember finally being told and Danny and I fell apart.

     I remember having to set up an induction. I remember leaving that day not knowing how I was going to break the news to people. I had so many calls to make that day and none of them easy. In fact they were the hardest I had to make. It was the hardest thing in my life to say that my baby had died-I could barely get them out before I was inconsolable.

     Then I recall holding my beautiful, perfect, round baby in my arms. She was a beautiful, dark curly hair chunk. She looked beautiful. I think she'd have looked like Colton but with curly hair. She was just perfect. I remember not wanting to prolong the process and eventually letting her go with Dr's.

     And lastly I think the last thing that I'll never forget is watching my husband carry a small white casket in his hand. Carrying it ever so tenderly because that was his daughter in there. That image is burned into my memory forever. I remember feeling like the worst mother because I had to leave my baby in the cold hard ground. That may sound illogical but she was mine. She was my baby and will always be my  perfect little baby.

     So, there you have the worst thing that I've experienced. And even to this day, almost 10 years later (Sept), I was still crying as I write this and remember this. It forever changed my life. I have found peace with it. It doesn't always hurt anymore. Having my other 4 children really helped my heal. But I occasionally wonder what it would be like to have a 9 1/2 girl running around our house right now. Luckily, I know she is in Heaven and gained her exaltation. She didn't have to suffer through the trials of life, she only needed a body. And for that I'm happy to know exactly where she stands. One day I will be with my little girl again.

     Now on to the best thing in my life. At first I immediately came up with something that I got yesterday but that's temporal. There really are a lot of good things that I have experienced in my life. But honestly the first thing that I seriously came up with was Danny. Marrying him was the best thing I've done.

     From the moment we met it was just an instant relationship. He was so easy for me to talk to him. We understood each other. I didn't have to try and be anyone but myself. We had fun together.  I can't explain how we just knew instantly that it was right. That we were meant to be together. We have always had good communication with each other. After 10 years we don't  always agree on one anothers view points but we work at. He's always been the one I can tell anything to. I enjoy having him come home from work, spending time together on his days off, going on vacation together. If I want to do something or go somewhere, he's the one I want to do with it.  I'm so glad that I have him in my life. That is the best thing that I've had happen to me: my marriage.