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| At Omaha zoo, the kids gather together. |
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| Oh, what silly litte ones all dressed as pioneers at the visitors center in Omaha. |
I have wanted to update my blog for awhile now but haven't been able to take the time to do so. I think I am officially tired of looking at Halloween pictures when it's now Christmas.
I just needed to update it with some pictures of my cuties. I am so incredibly grateful that I have them all. That they are all safe with me in our home. So grateful that I get another day with them to be their mother. And yet at the same time so guilty because I do get another day with them, get to spend Christmas with them and still be happy together.
I have such a heavy heart right now because of the Connecticut elementary shooting. I have shed many, many tears as I know many of you have. Ever since I learned of this I have had the worst pit in my stomach. I can't get over the senseless act of violence that took place at such an Innocent location with helpless children and school staff. I can't even fathom the fear that was in their hearts that morning. I have no doubt that they have received exaltation and that they are happy and safe now. But the fear! The violence! I can't understand it nor will I ever. Colton woke up this morning crying cause he couldn't find Danny or I. Danny was hunting and I was on the couch. I was scared! But I was there to grab him, hug him and take him back to my bed and cuddle with him. Then I felt guilty that I got that moment to comfort them and those parents didn't get to do that for their child. And those poor kids had to be scared and can only imagine them desiring their parents more than they ever had. I feel so much empathy for those parents that now have to bury a child. I know that pain of burying a child to never see them again on this earthly life. I think of the children that went to school together with their sibling and had to leave school without them.
It hits me straight to the heart. I have a first grader! The age of this class! And let me just emphasize that it doesn't matter what age and grade these children were, it simply doesn't matter because it was senseless and pure evil. I can picture Nate's 3rd grade class, Josh's 1st grade class, even Colton's preschool; I can see each of their desks in my mind. I can pull up images of the children I have met in their classrooms, each of their teachers. The public school system isn't perfect but it didn't deserve this violent act. And through the years, we have had several teachers, and they have all been great and I know they would protect my children like those other teachers did. So, I think of how it could have been my kids, their teachers, their friends. And though it didn't happen to us, it happened to someone else. Someone else is grieving. Someone else is planning a funeral. Someone else is crying. Someone else is going to have a Christmas with out their child or loved one. Someone else may have to deal with seeing the presents under the tree or get a package from amazon for their lost one. Every aspect of their life has altered drastically and my heart hurts for them. And it makes me feel guilty that although I hurt today, my pain will lessen with each day but someone else is suffering beyond comprehension for a lifetime.
Last night in the hall, I came across Josh's kindergarten class picture and I just looked at their faces and counted 20 kids and just thought, they would've been wiped out. It's so heartbreaking what happened! I can't even wrap my mind around it. I know I need to tell them about it but I don't know what to say. I don't want to scare them senseless and make them live in fear. (Nate is scared senseless of tornado warnings let alone a shooting at school) So, how am I suppose to talk to them about this when it will just cause so much fear and anxiety over something that can't be prepared for. Cause that's how I'm feeling right now. At the theater last night, we went and saw Shrek the musical. And I was so filled with anxiety looking for the exits, Danny had mentally counted the children. We were both filled with fear. We aren't safe anywhere. I am struggling beyond anything with this latest shooting. I have avoided the news, the radio stations, yahoo, anything. I can't handle reading any of it. I can't read about details because it hurts too much.
So, I felt by writing it might help me. This may be one big jumbled mess of a post but I was writing from my heart. So if it doesn't flow well or make sense, well it's just me rambling on with overwhelming feelings.
And at the end of the day yesterday I was so grateful that my kids were alive and were able to walk off the bus together. I got the chance to give them a tight hug and tell them that I love them. I have tried to be more grateful for each moment I have with them. Even grateful to be cleaning up Colton and Audrey's throw up. Because even stinky throw up means that they are alive! And I love all 4 of my little beings!
